Setback or Awareness?

"The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall" ~Nelson Mandela~

Setback or Awareness?

This past weekend marked the first time in more than two years that I pushed myself to a level where I realized it was time to reassess my new plan since living with TBI. Over two years ago, my physician informed me that due to the severity of my symptoms and the risk of re-injury, I could no longer work as a nurse or hold any job at all. Naturally, it's difficult for anyone to hear they cannot work—even if their job is less desirable. The anxiety about finances consumes your mind and manifests as stress throughout your body because you are uncertain about how to support your family. Furthermore, feelings of anger and sadness can overwhelm you when an event has irrevocably altered who you are. HOWEVER...I discovered how to embrace the present moment and accept what life presented me with. I found ways to facilitate my healing process as needed. I learned how to view my existence through a different lens while focusing intently on the purpose I serve during my time here on Earth. My passion lies in creating soap; indeed, creativity overall brings me fulfillment. It soothes my nervous system and fills me with joy—and I truly hope it benefits others too.

This weekend was filled with both beautiful experiences and some challenges. On Saturday, I may have overextended myself! I slipped back into a habit of pushing too hard, perhaps out of curiosity to see what I could manage or because I fell into societal expectations that encourage us to keep going until we crash later on. That day marked my first craft fair, which turned out to be an absolute blast! I loved interacting with customers and sharing details about my soaps, salves, and my book. Having my daughter Amelia join Andy and me made it even better; she truly added joy to the experience and was an incredible support.

However, there were definitely some tough aspects as well. The level of stimulation at the craft fair was something I'd overlooked when signing up for the event; there were numerous conversations that caught me off guard. With a brain injury, this can heavily impact my entire body’s response. To make matters worse, the fluorescent lighting resulted in a crippling migraine and eye strain lasting well into Monday. As if that wasn’t enough, I also attended my son’s football game on Saturday night. And just to clarify— this is Isaiah's senior year! His last year on the high school football team! I loved being there and watching, however, I found myself in a severe anxious state. At one point without realizing the words coming out of my mouth-standing next to my brother I blurted out "I don't know what's going on, it's to much, to many people, and these lights can go F*** themselves" he looked at me, giggled a little and said "you okay over there." Then Andy looked over and said "what's going on" I snapped "I don't know Andy, something is off okay." I stopped myself took a breath and went for a walk to the bathroom, I needed space.

The following morning arrived, and I still felt off. In my view, one of the toughest aspects of Traumatic Brain Injury is the unpredictability of each day; you constantly have to brace yourself for various outcomes or risk withdrawing into isolation. Unfortunately, I spent a significant amount of time in that isolated state. While there are times when solitude is necessary, it differs greatly from genuine isolation, which can be incredibly lonely. Once again, I had a craft fair scheduled; inside me, a voice screamed LAY BACK DOWN! YOU NEED A BREAK. However, my stubborn side insisted YOU PROMISED TO DO THIS—GET UP AND GO! It was both frustrating and emotional. So Andy and I got into the car and made it to the next town over before realizing that today just wasn’t right for me.

I decided to heed the signals from my body, pay attention to my mind, and recognize what I truly required in that moment. I reached out via email to the organizer of the craft fair, expressing my apologies for not feeling well due to exacerbated TBI symptoms and informing them that I wouldn't be able to attend. Following that, I focused on doing what was necessary to feel better that day without fretting about letting anyone down. Most importantly, I granted myself the kindness and patience needed at that time. I've come to understand that each day living with a TBI offers an opportunity to learn and tune into what my body, mind, and spirit need for optimal wellbeing. Despite facing setbacks throughout this journey, I apply the strategies I've acquired along the way to support my healing process and wholeheartedly embrace life with this "invisible injury."

If you're interested in diving deeper into this topic, I recommend checking out my book, *Invisible: Finding Purpose and Spiritual Awakening After the Storm of Traumatic Brain Injury*. It's currently available for purchase at innerpeacepress.com/products/invisible or you can also find it at Battenkill Books, a local bookstore in my town! Supporting local businesses is one of my favorite activities!